I was just browsing during lunch for some inspirational photos and stumbled upon this one. It's so true in my life because I am the biggest pushover known to man. My brain operates in a way where I am so concerned with pleasing everyone else and not being a disappointment that my own needs can be pushed aside. Rugby is one of the few places (if not the only one) where I am full heartedly invested from my own choice and no one else's influence. I am dedicated and so into rugby because i CHOOSE TO BE, not because someone told me to or is standing behind me pushing me to.
Just recently, I was told that one of my parents said about me,
"I don't know how to stop her from thinking about rugby. She structures her life around it too much and it's too important to her."
That was pretty hurtful, because although I've known it all along, so many people in my family do not support my dream of making it far in my rugby career. They make me feel like I am wrong for loving this sport so much, and for finding a passion in life that they do not accept. They have made it to a few games, which I appreciate, but whenever I excitedly bring up the topic of rugby in conversation a frown crosses their face and they look disgusted or annoyed. One family member even said to me earlier this week,
"....have you ever thought about dropping rugby and taking up sailing?"
......WHAT?
It's hard for me to accept rejection in the first place; my whole life I have avoided rejection and disappointment from others whole heartedly. But now, this is one of the first times in my life where I have had to face rejection head on and say, "NO - THIS IS A GOOD THING AND NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF."
I am so lucky to have my grandfather, who unconditionally cheers me on at rugby games and loves asking me about it. Wherever we go, the first thing he says about me to strangers is, "My granddaughter was the president of the Canisius Women's Rugby team!" He loves coming to my practices and games to take photos. Throughout everything in my life he has always been beyond supportive, but this just goes even deeper than that. My siblings have also been major supports as well.
It's not always easy for me to reassure myself that my commitment to rugby is necessarily right because of how much my family can make it seem like it's wrong. There are so many times where I feel ashamed and like a lunatic for taking it so seriously, and sometimes I feel guilty for thinking that I could make it far in the rugby realm. It makes me think of this line from the movie Rudy (someone that I most personally connect with and am inspired by the most):
...and I can't bare hurting anyone in my family, can't really bare hurting anyone (emotionally, not physically....if I play rugby then not physically hurting anyone is an unrealistic expectation HAH)!! But the thought that my rugby dreams cause the people that I love pain absolutely kills me.
....but also like the quote above, if I don't pursue this now then I will feel remorse and regret forever. I have to at least TRY. At least ONCE (it'll probably be more than once but.....at least once). I don't want to blame anyone else for getting in the way of what I dream to do. If I give up and don't try, then it's nobody's fault but mine (that rhymed).
....I SWEAR I'M NOT CRAZY.
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