All that work and what did it get me?

Merrrr today was not a very good day in terms of my attitude. I got pretty bad; I practiced my kicking today and it was all around not a pretty sight. It was a dismal two hours, but I think that I need to get all these unproductive, frustrating thoughts out of my head now and leave them behind. All I could think about while vigorously practicing my kicking by myself in an abandoned field was why all my effort seems to be getting me nowhere. I feel like I've worked my body down to the bone over and over again to have no improvement. My failures seem to be weighing out my successes and it's really frustrating. I can't stand it. It's so hard to constantly fail and still get back up and try again, if not harder, to fail ALL OVER AGAIN. When the hell is it my turn to do well (rhyme)?! Why hasn't any of my work paid off, while there are still people out there who are so much better than me with half the heart and love for the game that I have and who don't work even close to as hard at it than I do?! Am I just not a natural rugby player?! Should I not be here?! Is this not my thing?! Am I wasting my time?! Giving my every ounce of effort seems to be not enough. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything!!!

BUT,
who cares.

I don't care if I never become an exceptional player or never become MVP or never even get to play scrumhalf. I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever quit in rugby. Not for a single second. I will always get back up and try again. Whatever the outcome, no matter how good or bad, I will always always always give every drop of effort I possibly can. It doesn't matter if in the end I still suck and I get no reward or recognition for my hard work, it's just not like me to give up. It's what I've based my life off of, the idea that you can achieve any goal with absolute hard work, determination, and heart. I know that in rugby I have an infinite amount of all three of those traits, so I cannot give up on myself or stop believing in myself. I know for a fact that I absolutely LOVE rugby more than almost anyone, and I cannot live without it. That's what will carry me so much farther, because I will never be able to stop trying. It's so hypocritical for me to say that if you don't believe in yourself while playing rugby you can almost never succeed and then not fully believe in myself. And that's what I absolutely love about rugby; when you get that ball in your hands, and when someone is charging at you, you almost have to think of yourself as being like Godzilla and not letting anyone get in your way. You have to crush everything in your path. I need that mentality; I need that fire in my eyes. I know that I have a flame inside me in the form of passion for the game and the desire to compete and play well, but I need almost that mean, evil fire. It's not really mean or evil, but I just need to absolutely plow through people without hesitation. GAR I'll get there someday, I know so. I think I'm close, I can almost feel it in my grasp. UGH I just CAN'T give up, not now and not ever. Sooner or later I'll come out of my shell and dominate, God knows when the hell that day is but my time to succeed will come...........all I can do is hope so, and fail a million times over and over until I finally succeed.