Drat.

Good GOD, I really bit the bullet on this one. Today was the 7 hour all star practice and I did not play well. I am extremely disappointed in myself in so many ways. My communication was non existent; I did not talk well on and off the field! I should have spoken up more, saying that I would try as many positions as I possibly can whether I am good at them or not. Although I was nice to all the girls and talked amongst them a little, I really think I could have put in more of an effort to talk to them even more, take that one step further. I was super duper shy, and it affected my game drastically. In my mind, I was sort of playing my own mother, saying, "You know better than that!" because I DO know better than that! I know that I am capable of communicating well, so there was no excuse for it at all! I know that a lame excuse (and basically not an excuse at all) for my silence was the amount of nerves I had going into this practice. And these nerves obviously affected my confidence level as well, which is practically death in rugby. Although I definitely put in my best efforts, I know there were times in my head where I may have said once or twice, "I can't run the ball, I'm not good enough," or, "Maybe I shouldn't enter that ruck because I'm not good enough." There is no time in rugby for this hesitation and doubt!! And I KNOW THIS! I-KNOW-THIS so incredibly well, and I can't believe it defeated me today. 

The coach even said to me at one point today, "Blue, you okay? Your focus is worrying me," and it really frazzled me. I had a heart attack at the thought that the coach didn't think I was focusing, because there was nothing more that I was doing than focusing on rugby during that practice and during my entire spring break. I wanted to try so so so so hard, give it my absolute all, and be phenomenal, be able to show all the hard work I have put in so far. But it's such a disappointing thought to think that my efforts were not reflected in my performance today. Horrible! Just horrible.

I thought about sending some sort of apology email to the coaches, telling them how disappointed in my own performance I was, how hard I've worked, and how much harder I plan to work before our tournament. But now I have completely discarded that thought. I wanted to cry at practice, I wanted to cry my eyes out on the way home, and I still feel like crying now, but the tears don't come because I know how completely useless they are. Crying or telling the coaches that I think I did poorly is not going to change anything. That practice is over. I did not play to the best of my abilities and the only thing to do is FIX it for the future so it NEVER happens again. I need to run more, lift more, do more push ups and sit ups, and make sure that whatever chance I get to play rugby (whether a practice or a game) I utilize it as much as possible. That's another reason why I was probably such a step off from everyone else; I have not played in a game since the last tryout for this team, which was three weeks ago, and I know that basically all the other girls had played in tons of tournaments (many of them even played yesterday). No matter how many miles I ran over my spring break or weights I lifted or push ups and sit ups I did, it was not preparation for a rugby game. Even after working my butt off and putting in 100000000% effort on my own, I still felt like I was going to blow chunks after 5 minutes of a scrimmage we had! But what's also funny is that once I've been hit a few times, I suddenly feel like I get my boost and I can run and sprint all day while hitting people and getting hit. That's probably the rugby syndrome you get into from playing the game, and I'm sure it comes faster and faster the more you play. Like I've said before, there is no substitution for experience in rugby. 

Even though I personally did not do well, that doesn't mean that the practice was bad or in any way unproductive. My failure was due to nothing but myself. The practice itself was really informative! I'm really happy with some of the new drills I got to experience and can take back to my own team here. I wish that everyone on my team could've experienced what I got to today, I am so grateful that I was even given the opportunity to go to this practice! I need to remember, I didn't even expect to make this team in the first place. I was incredibly shocked that I made it, and I've already said that I knew this was going to be very hard and I would have a tough time with it. I need to think of being on this team as an absolute privilege. I don't think I haven't thought of it as one already, but maybe I'm not realizing how awesome of an opportunity this is in general, whether I do well or not. These are great players and great coaches, and it really can't get any better than this. Each experience with rugby definitely chips away at you, molding you into a better player every single time you have a new one. I already feel whipped into shape (literally and figuratively, ha) after just a practice. Not a lot of people got to add this experience to their rugby knowledge. 

So I can't deny that I am sad, really sad, at how things went today in terms of me not meeting my own personal expectations (I still can't help but tear up and choke up while writing this). But I know that I have to nip it in the bud immediately, as soon as possible. There is no time for this! I need to get back on the bandwagon, take every resource I can find, and use it to my advantage to make me better.