The beginning (continued...)

November 23rd, 2008: I'm just remembering last year when I played powderpuff, and that insaneo play that I made in the end that people say "won the game." I'll never ever forget that moment; it was like the nirvana of sports. I was going at insane top speed, and everything just fell right into place for that play to happen. I can remember every little detail - I was the left side linebacker, the one that was supposed to blitz, and right when the hike was called I shot off. It was fourth down, and if Courtney (the quarterback for the other team, I knew her) had done a lateral to the girl on my side like she was supposed to, it would have been all over because I was so ahead and would have intercepted it in a second. But INSTEAD, she handed it off to the other side, and the girl started running a wide right. I immediately thought, "SHIT, there's a HUGE gap on the right side line........." and although I was totally out of the play because I was on the opposite side of the field, I started running in a panic of what I thought was going to happen. And what I thought was going to happen, did happen....she blew RIGHT THROUGH the right side, and she had a free side line to herself to run in for a touchdown. It was the fourth quarter, and there was less than a minute left. If she scored, they would win and it would be game over. I can remember instead of deciding to chase the girl from behind and around everyone else, I cut WAY up in a diagonal line and sprinted - looking for the point where I would eventually meet up with her. I sprinted and sprinted and sprinted, until I caught up with her at the ten yard line. We were both running full speed, and I couldn't let it go on for much longer or she would score. I made a last and final DIVE around the five yard line, and I flew into the out of bounds....................... She ran around the endzone thinking she scored, and the stands and everyone on the other team were roaring and cheering, but I rolled over and sat up.....WITH HER FLAG IN MY HAND. When I dove, I LITERALLY caught the end tail of her flag in that split second, and she didn't score. The refs also said she had been pushed out of bounds when I caught up to her, so one way or another THEY LOST THE GAME. The offense went on for the last thirty seconds and we downed the ball to win OUR TENTH YEAR IN A ROW DECADE SWEEP POWDERPUFF GAME. In school and even around the town, everyone kept saying that I "saved that game" and I literally felt like a celebrity. And honestly, I didn't feel bad about it either; throughout playing sports in my life I've never really been a total hero. In softball, there have been some moments in games where I've been pretty clutch, but overall I've never really gotten much recognition for any of it. That was the first time I was ever really recognized for anything athletic by my peers and by the people in my town, and I'm so happy for it.

I'm really grateful for that moment because it gave me confidence and always reminds me to push myself throughout every play. Whenever I'm running, I run harder when imagining that girl right in front of me about to score a touchdown. I almost did it again in rugby, and I was wondering why this time I couldn't, but I also have to remember that there is a HUGE difference between just pulling someone's flag or pushing them out of bounds than having to full body tackle her. I did catch up to that girl, but I just couldn't wrap my arms around her to bring her down while also running at full speed. Yikes. Oh well, that gives me incentive to push harder and become faster.

October 26th, 2008: .....wow. I don't know what to say. WE WON AND WE'RE MOVING ON AND I'M SO HAPPY. SO SO HAPPY. I WAS SO NERVOUS ABOUT IT AND WE WON.

October 22nd, 2008: Every day after rugby practice ends now, the sadness seems to be getting even worse. On Monday, I was pretty upset and jokingly talked about it with some of the girls, but today was pretty bad. Sometimes, I make myself so MAD. In the beginning of practice I was giggling and having so much fun and I was only like this not to get attention or anything but I really am that happy to see everyone and be with everyone on the team. Well by the end, I was seriously telling myself, "Shut-the-fuck-up." I need to realize (and I hate it how I've realized this now) that I can't afford to be giggly and happy at practice; I'm so new at this sport and I still have such an incredibly long way to go that I can't goof off. I have to give my full attention and do my best in every single drill we do. I guess I'm not really used to "being new" at a sport because the sports that I played in high school I've played my entire life. I want to get better and better, and because I'm so used to playing sports that I've played since I could walk I feel like I'm so far behind and have so much to catch up on. There's not much time left, and I feel like there's not enough time left to catch up. But then again, I guess I shouldn't expect myself to catch up no matter how much I want to. I really do have to just keep working hard and wait for my time to come, but I'm so impatient! I want to be good NOW and I want to play at a higher level NOW. I'm not good at settling for second best; I mean, I don't mean second best overall but second best in my potential. I almost always think that I can do better and improve on something, and obviously since I'm so new at rugby I feel like I can improve much more. I just never feel like I'm doing enough. When coach said, "So what were good things about practice today?" (signaling that it's over), my heart literally dropped. I couldn't believe it was over, and although the drills we did today were really good and I got some running in, I felt like I hadn't worked hard enough from all the giggling and laughing I did. It's making me upset all over again just thinking about it. I was so incredibly upset with myself, I felt like I had literally wasted the practice and it wasn't anyone's fault but mine. I swear, if we do some goofy team builders or something for Friday's practice or we just don't work hard, I will go out of my mind. So anyways, I couldn't even think straight I was so mad, so I just took out my iPod and ran. I just ran. I ran as fast as I could (and I actually think I ran the park in about 12 minutes) and I don't know if it was the wind or if I really was crying. I stopped back at the empty rugby field where my bag was sitting, and as I was about to pick up my stuff and go, I threw it down and sprinted to the tennis courts. I'm even upset at myself right now for not doing more while I was there, but it was getting really dark and I had to walk back by myself. Usually when I get mad at myself for rugby, I always think, "Well, I'll try harder next time. Now I know," but now I can't say that. I feel like it's unforgivable now. All I have to say is, I better fucking give my entire divided attention and effort into Friday. Or I'll go up in flames like ebay.

October 20th, 2008: I'm going to get really sad now after every rugby practice ends. I cannot even bare the thought of the season being over - when I say that I LIVE for rugby practices I mean it 100%. Every time I feel tired or stressed or upset, I either think, "Oh well, I have rugby today!" or "Oh well, I have rugby tomorrow!" and that solves everything. I have not missed a rugby practice this entire season because every single one has been so important to me. Maybe that's why I was even more upset at the end of practice. Did it end early? Because it went by really fast and I felt not only that I hadn't worked hard enough, but also I even felt a little like I hadn't learned much today either. I did learn some things which is always good, but I always look to every practice for learning as much as I possibly can in that period of time about the sport because it's still fairly new to me. I can work on the fitness on my own time, which I try to do as much as I possibly can, but I really can't work on skills or learn new things about the sport on my own as well as I can with other experienced players and a coach. I'm looking into playing on a local team at home during the summer, because I can't even think about going a whole summer without it (but I'll have to squeeze that in with working in a hotel and playing on various softball teams??). And it's not even just the sport that makes me feel so happy, it's the people too. And there are so many people that are going to be leaving that I'll miss SO MUCH, and I'm going to miss seeing all my rugby friends 3 or 4 times a week! I don't even know if we'll hang out anymore after the rugby season! THIS IS SUCH A DEPRESSING THOUGHT! *sob sob sob sob*

October 12th, 2008: We-are-undefeated. Today we had our last regular season game and we won 48-5 (HOLY SHIT). Although the game wasn't really that big of a deal since we've already won in the regular season with the best record and this team was 0-3, I GOT TO START! I am so grateful that I got to start and play a whole half, it was seriously one of the greatest feelings I've ever had. I was a little nervous, but for some reason it didn't bother me at all. I felt like I had a really good team playing with me so I was more excited and PUMPED! I didn't really do anything spectacular, but I'm just glad that I didn't do anything horrific and that I was able to play at that level. It was AWESOME!! And I loved it so much, that I am not satisfied with just accomplishing this goal. I want to take it further to the next step; I want to make it PERMANENT that I start and I want to play THE WHOLE GAME for EVERY GAME. That sounds a little selfish but I think it's more common in rugby than other sports for there not to be a lot of subs. So after the game I wasn't even satisfied with what I had done today; I went out on a run around the park and then I practically died of exhaustion. It's great to see when your hard work pays off. Even though it really shouldn't and kind of isn't that big of a deal, it's an upgrade from where I was before. I should be proud of what I've done, but I can't stop here and let it get to me! I'm going to push even harder and work even more to be stronger. I have such motivation to do better, and I'm going to do anything I can to get there! I feel like this is just a foot in the door, and I just have to keep pushing harder to get more and more and more (that rhymed, sometimes I love myself).

October 8th, 2008: Rugby practice was great today, I'm really glad and happy with the stuff we did. On Monday I was a little upset with practice and what we did. After practice I was SO cold and SO dirty, and just sitting in my bed in my pajamas and under the blankets all showered and clean and feeling so wonderful is really making me appreciate everything that I have.

October 6th, 2008: This weekend was great, but I'm just incredibly sore. In the game on Saturday, someone LITERALLY full on stepped on my leg with their cleat with a ton of force. And today at practice when I tackled someone, their knee fell RIGHT on top of the already deep and insanely painful bruise and made it worse, and I was still able to get up like it didn't hurt or like I didn't feel it. AND, after that I ran the park which is about 2 miles and sprinted the end... like it didn't hurt. WELL FAHK MY LIFE IT HURTS! But taking a hot shower helped, I really hope it stops hurting ASAP because I don't want to miss a day of running.

September 15th, 2008: I LOVE THE RUGBY TEAM. ♥ But I can't write my paper until I get this off my mind (maybe that's just an excuse for procrastination but oh well). Today at rugby practice, I noticed that I was actually too happy and too giggly. It was affecting the way that I was playing and that's really really bad. It may not have been the whole reason why I was playing off today, but it sure was probably at least half of the reason. I'm really upset with myself for doing that, but at least I am addressing the situation and giving myself constructive criticism. In the second half of practice, I even proved to myself that I was right in my theory. I focused more and I was more serious when we were practicing scrums and at the same time in between scrums and running or when someone wasn't explaining something I was smiley and happy. When I did this, I played much better and people didn't think that I was any less happy than I am. In fact, if I'm smiley and giggly all the time and I suck like I did the first half of practice, then no one would really like me or respect me because then I'd just look like some idiot bimbo prouncing around. I think it's because I'm a hard worker and strong in rugby but at the same time really happy and nice that makes people like me on the team. I don't think that I can ever really be smiley and happy all the time when playing rugby or else I won't be good at it, especially since I don't even know the whole game yet. I'm still really new at this, and I need to be totally focused and working hard all the time. Hopefully I can keep that in the back of my mind next practice. Luckily today and Saturday have been giving me wake up calls, and I think it's really going to help me play better.

September 8th, 2008: Fuck, we ran so much at rugby practice today that my feet are literally bleeding immensely. A shower is going to hurt like an absolute bitch. I'm soooooo tired.

August 30th, 2008: Probably the best decision I made since I've been here is joining the rugby team; the girls on the team are all SO nice and they're all upperclassmen which is sick. Tonight I was just waiting for my dinner at Upper Deck and three of them wanted me to sit with them and then they came up to my room! And the sport itself is so incredibly sick. The reason why on Powderpuff our offense was absolute shit was because they kept using RUGBY plays, not football plays. Not that rugby plays are bad, but they're only allowed to pass backwards. In football you can obviously pass forward which is definitely an advantage. That's probably why the interceptions I had in Powderpuff were legit right in front of my face; they would make these shit lob passes that just floated in the air for me to snag.